13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.