A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
oh no, steve’s working tonight
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.