Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
You Might Also Like
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Thursday Thought.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.