ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back