If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
jesus, what did this guy do
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.