you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato