from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.