@MNateShyamalan

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

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@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

@TheBoydP

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

@yung__spider

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@huntigula

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

@keepsitrustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@nicfit75

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

@SteveSuckington

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny