Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Welcome to the stomach
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”