Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians