I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.