Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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How I like cutting carbs
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*