ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.