Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
you gotta be faster
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?