My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
love it when they get my name right
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no