You Might Also Like
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My therapist after every session
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.