Me redecorating every room in my mind
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Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM