Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.