The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable