Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.