turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.