You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill