You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.