What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
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People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏