I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.