so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Story of my life…..
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.