Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
what?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.