person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Can’t, holding a grudge
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body