The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You Might Also Like
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.