All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?