Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Happy Star Wars day!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Butt weight. There’s more!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Duolingo getting serious.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.