Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
it must be school picture day
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
#Caturday
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces