After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?