date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.