Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
You Might Also Like
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*