Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
You Might Also Like
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”