Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Go hard or stay average
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k