Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
How to find Kentucky on a map
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Super Hand Dog Face
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds