i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging