i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Called it
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
(Gaming support cat.)
sensitive skin
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.