*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.