Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Teach your children to beatbox
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.