The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
You Might Also Like
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.