The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
![]()
You Might Also Like
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me irl
![]()
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.