My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry