You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.