People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Guy who likes music
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.