People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.