Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?