When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Blew my mind.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now