FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.