You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
LOL
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.