It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”