Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.